dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
bring money and cleavage
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
