Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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