Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Just high enough for therapy.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
