My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
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