How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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