i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Everything about him screamed your future.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You ever have a fart follow you around?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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