i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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