The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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