I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
