working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
