I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
The adults are the big ones right?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize