he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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