is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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