I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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