Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
