Will you blow on my dice?
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
