My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
