I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
We need to rekindle our bromance
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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