Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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