K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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