Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I lost the right to judge tonight
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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