I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Life is so much better after having sex.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
