I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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