Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
