I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
