A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
