burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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