'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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