i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Never underestimate the power of titties
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
