good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
