Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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