The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
