Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize