What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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