You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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