Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
