my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize