No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
