So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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