I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
