I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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