no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
