Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
