my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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