My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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