Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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