i love accidental penises.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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