I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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