my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
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