So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
