made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
