True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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