You're so nebulous sometimes
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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