He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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