he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
