So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
