He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize