a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
