I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
