I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
