Are we in a gay sports bar?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
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